i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
