3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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