It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
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This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
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The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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