That's when you crack a 10am beer
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
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it's not cheating when I paid for it
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
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Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.