All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
