when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Randomize
