I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The feeling are messing with the penis
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
