he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
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He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
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Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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