I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
