you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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