and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
