btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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