I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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