I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
