I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
