your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
