Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
