her vagina looked like bernie madoff
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
