My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
