wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
