i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
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