I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
