i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
