Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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