He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Randomize
