Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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