I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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