According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
