just tell him i said nine months
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
