How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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