I cut my penus on the lid.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
