Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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