even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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