I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
