what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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