So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
