Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
