it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
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He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
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His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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