every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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