so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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