remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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