he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
