I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
