Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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