im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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