Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
