I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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