Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
