On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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