mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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