there's paper in my vomit.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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