Apparently you make a good broom.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
