hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
