Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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