During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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