Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
